I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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