Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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