She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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