I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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