Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There r osticjed everywhere
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
