he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
