worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
