birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
