So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
