She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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