if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
