This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
