i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
