oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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