I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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