woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
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I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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