When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
