I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
