Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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