I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
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Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
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Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx