I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
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That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
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Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS