hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Are we still banned from the library?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies