I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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