If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.