Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
