i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
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Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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