eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Found the puke drawer
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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