its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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