She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
