I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm passing your future prison.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
