dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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