Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
