I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
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he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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