Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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