it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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