He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
