I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She told me I should be a condom model.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
