Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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