Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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