Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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