hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Someone signed my nipple.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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