1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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