the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
