Your dad touched me again.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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