someone owes me an orgasm
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
