He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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