never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
