why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
