I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
