Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
