he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
