Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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