I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
