I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
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I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
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I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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