dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
