dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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