Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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