ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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