He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
